The Complaint Department

Tchotchke Challenge: Letter K

KEYCHAIN

A more bizarre, disturbing and disturbingly hilarious keychain I have never encountered.

 

We have here a clear plastic woman's pregnant torso, complete with a fetus, floating . . . bobbing . . . in clear liquid.  Embryonic fluid?

Why does this item appeal to me?  Is it because I don't have any children?  Is there a psychiatrist in the house?

   

I purchased this keychain on a website that sells oddball trinkets--things like camouflage golf balls, actions figures of famous people like Jesus and Einstein, and wind-up toys, like Nunzilla.  (I love mechanical wind-up toys, but I don't own any.)

It's weird . . . and kinda gruesome.

But, wait!  There's more!

 

Yep.

The keychain actually gives birth.  Sort of.  The embryonic sac pops out of the torso, leaving a gaping hole in the torso.

I just don't know what else to say about this.

Oh, and just so you know, I've never taken it out of the house, 'cause I think it might rub people the wrong way, and they might wanna key my car or something.

Tchotchke Challenge: Letter H

Honduran Dog

Okay, well, I suppose our Honduran dog, Pilot (named for Mr. Rochester's dog in Jane Eyre), is not TECHNICALLY a tchotchke, but . . .

 

. . . we have so many pets laying about the house (and in the yard) that they really COULD be considered tchotchkes, don't you think?

Over the years, Tony and I have vacationed in Honduras, on a small island off the north coast called Roatan.

I first went there in 1999.  Still somewhat undiscovered, it was a lovely Caribbean spot--clear, blue water, coconut and palm trees, jungled mountains, white sand beaches, and world-renowned reefs for snorkeling and diving.  Overall, very quiet and peaceful.

The first time I went to Roatan (it was also my first trip to the Caribbean), I was entranced.  I was so taken by the beauty--and novelty--of the island that it was easy to turn a blind eye to some of its less-than-stellar characteristics.  There was brutal poverty, against which American and European visitors and investors spent large amounts of money vacationing or purchasing land and building lavish vacation homes.

There was also the issue of stray, semi-wild dogs on Roatan.  Periodically, the government would undertake ridding the island of this unsightly problem by simply shooting them.  The ones that escaped the cruel culling were left to reproduce at will.  So, the problem was never really solved.

I also enjoyed my second trip to Roatan a year or two later.

I think a third trip was undertaken.  By then, I was becoming inured to Roatan's beauty and more mindful of the ugliness and problems which were bubbling just under the surface.

Our last trip was in the fall of 2006.  Roatan was undergoing a boom in building, the cruise ships were overrunning the small island, the reefs were experiencing a severe health crisis, and islanders were growing more resentful of the tourists and interlopers, whose money they coveted and came to need.

It all was beginning to feel like a type of colonialism, you know?

During that last trip, the stray dog problem was as pronounced as ever.  Naturally, a dog wandered into my field of vision, seeking food.

Soon, he was sleeping on our porch at night.  He was infested with fleas and suffering from a painful ear infection.

Much to the islanders' amusement, we gave the dog a bath while we were there, and attempted to treat his ear problem with medicine from the pharmacy, to no avail.  We even bought a collar and leash for him, and walked him with us along the beach.  It was obvious that he had never used a leash, and he leaped and danced about whenever the leash touched his legs.

As the week drew to a close, I began to worry about what was going to happen to him when we left.

Soon, the day arrived for us to depart.  The dog, after having stayed on our porch overnight, had disappeared that morning, and I despaired of him returning to find us gone.

In the taxi, on the way to the airport, I wept and wailed about the dog.  Tony's desire to just get us off the island as quickly as possible was slowly eroded.

At the airport, as we were standing in line to check-in, Tony turned to me and said, "Okay.  I'll stay and see if I can bring the dog back with me."  Tony is an excellent problem-solver and is always up for a challenge!

So, I boarded my flight alone.  Ordinarily, I would been irritated by this, as getting from Roatan to Miami involved hopscotching all over Central America first.  But, my mood was buoyed by the thought that, perhaps, we could save this one dog.

I named him Pilot.

Over the next week, I went back to work, and Tony kept in touch by email or phone, when services were available.  He was busy taking Pilot to the visiting vet, who came only occasionally to Roatan from mainland Honduras.  Tony arranged for shots, vaccines, a roomy carrying cage and numerous other details for Pilot's trip.  All these things are no small accomplishments, even in the capitals of developing nations, never mind on remote islands.

But, the thing we really had to worry about was the weather.  The airline had a strict policy of not carrying animals in the baggage compartment when the temperature reached a certain degree.  I knew this because I researched it on the Internet.  Ta da!

As it turned out, we learned that the airline did not typically transport animals off the island because, you know, they don't have to.  Tony somehow brought it about, though, with the help of someone, who knew someone else . . .  In the end, Pilot was rather surreptitiously loaded onto the plane, under the radar, so to speak.

A week later, I got a call late one night.

"We're in Atlanta."

I got out of bed and drove to Washington National Airport, where I picked Tony and Pilot up around midnight.

I was reminded of a scene in the movie El Norte, when a brother and sister from, oh, I forget . . . Guatemala, maybe . . . finally get their first glimpse of the U.S., after a dangerous, grueling journey to enter the country illegally.  Their view is from the hills overlooking Los Angeles at night, with lights as far as the eye could see.  It was a far cry from their small village in Central America.

It must have been so for Pilot, as well, in a dog-way.

So, Pilot has been with us for about 2.5 years now.  Frankly, it seems like longer, because, although we didn't know it at the time, he came with a number of serious health problems, which we've been working on over the years.

First, the ear infection, then a heartworm infestation and, finally, a type of venereal tumor (not seen often in the U.S. and for which he received chemotherapy) which took a year to diagnose.

 

But, Pilot's doing well now . . . too well, even!

 

Pilot is a plump-ish, silky sweetie, and we love him.  Does he love us?

Well, he certainly loves Tony . . . and he tolerates me!

 

(That's Brownie next to Pilot.  He was lost to us in January, 2008.  He was such a wonderful dog!)

(OMG, you gotta check out Nyack Backyard's entry this week!  It's freakin' amazing!  And Pamela-J has written a lovely entry about some items which tug at her heartstrings . . . )

 

Tchotchke Challenge: Letter G

GOD STUFF

 

I hope I don't get anyone's knickers in a knot here!  You know, religion is such a touchy subject, but the presumption, more often than not, is that we are all believers in God.

Guess what?

Loads of people are doubtful about the existence of God, but can't quite bring themselves to settle, in their own minds, the question once and for all.  Cause, you know . . . what if?

 

I don't really see any difference between the God of today and all the gods of yesterday (yes, those very gods who have been stripped of their power and authority over the millenia), except maybe in the personality of the deity.  Angry God, forgiving God, vengeful God, playful God . . . or gods.

I'll admit that contemporary God has some good messages for us . . . empowering messages and messages which can help us get along with others.  (The notion of possession of free will is certainly better than feeling like the plaything of a vindictive god, I suppose.)  Honestly, though, we should be able to figure these things out for ourselves.  Personally, I think we DID figure them out, but gave all the credit to . . . God.

 

Once in a great while, I find myself in church.  I am swept along with the family members of my husband, who would be horrified if I demurred and stayed away.  To my surprise, I usually find myself experiencing a sense of peace and serenity.

I think it comes from the architecture and acoustics.  Oh, and the dim lighting.

Truth be told, I get that same feeling from taking a long, quiet walk.

 

Here's Mary.  She's the Mother of God.  She's also the mother of Jesus.  She became pregnant but told everyone she was still a virgin.  How is that possible?  Hmmmmm.  She even got her husband, Joseph, to back her up.

Except for God, I know all these people really lived and some did wonderful work.

I just can't wrap my brain around these metaphysical relationships, ya know what I'm sayin'?

Here's Saint Francis of Assisi, the patron saint of animals, the environment and Italy.  He looks rather worried and sad.  No doubt he's fretting about vet bills.

 

Saint Martin De Porres, an animal advocate through vegetarianism, is the Saint of the Broom.  Yes, the broom.

 

Married ladies, if you follow the rules below, your husband will be very happy in his marriage.  Never mind about YOU!

(It's worth noting that I did NOT see a card for Ten Rules for a Happy and Successful HUSBAND!)

 

I'm so bummed that I couldn't find my little plastic bag of Holy dirt, from a New Mexico chapel, to show you, along with these other God-related items.  Considering my views, why do I have all these things?

I don't know, but I'll pray for an answer and get back to you.

God forgive me, I am a heathen.

Can I get an AMEN?

 

Pamela-J and Nyack Backyard are the other Tchotchke Challengers.  Won't you join us?  We are making our way through the alphabet, one letter at a time.  We post on the 1st and 15th of each month (except for me, because I am chronically behind schedule in recent weeks).  The purpose of the challenge is to photograph and write about objects of any kind (tchotchkes) from our homes, gardens, garages, etc., which will give a small glimpse into our interests, personalities and lives.

 

 

Tchotchke Challenge: Letter F

I'm tardy, I know.

Usually, once I post my letter's entry, I immediately get to work on the next letter.  It's always been ready to go at deadline.

But, I got off schedule . . . fell off the wagon . . . procrastinated and procrastinated some more (something I'm extremely good at).

May I just take this opportunity to complain a little?

I have a to-do list about 18 feet long.

Maybe it's the time of year, with both our own tax returns and those of my mother due in just days.  Why can't we just stay on top of it throughout the year?  Why?

Maybe it's the ongoing legal problems related to my mother's guardianship and a certain a**hole family member.

Maybe it's the process of FINALLY getting my mother's house on the market to sell.

Maybe it's the fact that my cabin tenant just stopped paying her rent a couple of months ago, and I've had to hire a property management company (because I just don't have time to deal with this shit) and begin eviction proceedings.

Maybe it's the three-hour daily commute.

Maybe it's the downward spiral of my mother's elderly dog that we've been caring for this past year, and the constant, nagging question, "Is it time?"

Maybe it's trying to see my mother every week, in spite of everything.

I miss the time I used to have to blog regularly.  To mull topics over in my mind, to take pictures.  I miss not having time to comment on others' blogs.

So, here's my pathetic Letter F entry.

Fossils.

 

 

 

They're everywhere.  They're in boxes, bags and bins.  They're laying about on the counters, shelves and furniture.

We pick them up on the beach.  We tell ourselves we don't need to bring any more home.

But, we can't help ourselves.

That's all I got.

Enjoy this beautiful day.

Pamela-J and Nyack Backyard have great entries.  Go check 'em out!

 

Tchotchke Challenge: Letter E

EGGS . . .

If these aren't true tchotchkes, I don't know what are.

 

There used to be a professor at St. Mary's College of Maryland who had a little side business creating these AMAZING painted and decorated eggs.  They are made with actual egg shells, all hand-painted with intricate designs and decorated with tiny jewels.  Aren't they fantastic?

 

The goose egg on the left is painted with an unusual green shade of slightly metallic paint, giving the shell the appearance of having several dimensions.  The tiny stones are deep burgundy red.  Inside is a cream-colored velveteen fabric.   And look at the tiny chain!

Seed pearls and yellow-orange stones decorate the geometric design on the chicken egg.  Mauve velveteen and a metal rosette on top complete the ornamentation.

 

 

Some of the designs are thematic.  On the left is a Native-inspired totem, and the egg on the right features images from a Russian fairytale.

 

 

 

My friend, Peanut, gave me this purple creation.  Peanut has lived with me on a few occasions over the years, and, as we both focused on Russian history during our college years, we used to have a small Russian "museum," the items of which were displayed in a china cabinet.  The museum featured the purple egg, samples of Russian money, stamps, matryoshka dolls, books, pins and so forth.

We used to bore our visitors to tears with enforced tours of the little museum.

 

Below are a number of other eggs collected over the years.  Some are made of stone or metal.  The center egg is real and features a small, Japanese-inspired landscape.

 

 

 

I confiscated the above wooden eggs from Tony and added them to my collection.  I think they're probably Ukrainian, with their cheerful designs and colors.

 

Do you see the Scotch tape on the egg above?  I bought this egg, and the one below, in Germany about 25 years ago.  I was there on a backpacking holiday, and I lugged about six or eight of these delicate beauties around with me for a couple of weeks before coming home.  (It never occurred to me to purchase them JUST BEFORE my return.)  Some were destroyed right away, and others shortly thereafter.  Of the two that remain, one is held together with tape and the other is in PERFECT condition. 

 

(I don't know what's up with my camera, but I've been having trouble with focus recently, especially on very shiny or reflective items.)

 

Here are a couple more shots of the goose egg.  Maybe you can get a sense of the dimension created by the green paint that I mentioned earlier.  Maybe not.  This egg, along with the one given to me by Peanut, are the mainstays of the collection.

 

Have you ever seen any of the Faberge eggs created for the Russian monarchy?  There are a few of them in the Baltimore-DC area, specifically at the Walters Gallery in Baltimore and at the Hillwood Museum in Washington, DC.

I traveled once to New York City to see an exhibit of the work of Peter Carl Faberge (and his associates), which included many of those exquisite eggs, as well as other functional and decorative pieces.

 

Perhaps if I hadn't spent all my money on books . . .

I might have been able to afford a down payment on one of these tiny Faberge pendants.

What an excellent addition such an item would have made to the little Russian Museum-in-the-China-Cabinet!

Check out the other Tchotchke Challenge participants at Pamela-J and Nyack Backyard.

 

 

Tchotchke Challenge: Letter D

A few entries back, I included a photo of my old Candy Striper uniform.  Some of you readers were amazed that I still had it, after 35 or 40 years.

You might be interested to know that I have a couple of other clothing items that date back even further.

Like this DIRNDL DRESS.

 

When I was a young girl, I loved, LOVED, nice clothes.  I still do, but in these middle years, with all my bumps and bulges, and shape-shifting, clothes shopping has become such a dispiriting experience, that I simply do without.  Well, not completely . . . but, you know.

Also, when I was a teenager, jeans and flannel shirts, hiking boots, sandals, and t-shirts were the uniform of my generation.  Sadly, I've basically stayed with that style all these years.  God, that's pathetic.

 

This little dress was purchased by my parents for me while we lived in Germany.  It has a tight-fitting bodice, a gathered skirt and a matching pink apron (which I remember being kind of a nuisance).  As a young girl, I adored the heavy, dark-green fabric, with the rose-pink flower design.

Perhaps I was wearing this very dress when I walked across the street from our apartment building in Frankfurt, umbrella in hand, to the playground, where I climbed up the ladder of the sliding board.

I had recently seen Mary Poppins and wanted to test out the theory that I could float gently to the ground, with my umbrella opened, from the top of the slide.

 

Heavy-corded, pink piping gave my dress a very finished look.

 

The bodice was lined with lovely white cotton, featuring a delicate floral design.

 

Completing the look are tiny brass buttons.

I have known lots of nice, little girls over the years who might have appreciated having my little dress passed along to them.  But, I have never been able to part with this particular outfit.

While I'm at it, let me show you another little costume from my youth.

 

Where did this little Norwegian national costume come from?  I don't know.  I only know that it's been around as long as the dirndl dress, at least.

Perhaps it was given to me when our family visited Norwegian relatives during our time in Germany.  Possibly, my father's Aunt Louise, who still had ties to the Old Country, made it for me when I was very young.

With my father now gone and my mother afflicted with Alzheimer's Disease, it's possible I will never know the history of this beautiful costume.

 

The bodice and skirt are completely handmade, with some intricate embellishment.

 

And the outfit comes with a little cap, as well.

I saw a lot of similar clothing when I visited the Ellis Island Museum in New York many years ago.  Have you been there?

I remember the many interesting exhibits, from the medical devices used to examine immigrants to the items that they brought with them from their points of origin.  There were steamer trunks full of household goods, national costumes, religious artifacts, beautiful handiwork and so forth.

I would love to display this child's costume in a shadow box.

Check out Pamela-J and Nyack Backyard for their Tchotchke Challenge entries!  (We post our entries on the 1st and 15th of each month, following the letters of the alphabet.  On March 15th, for example, we'll post our entries for the Letter E.)

p.s.  I can't believe I haven't posted in two weeks!  I'm so ashamed.  I've left so many things hanging, like the post of my last leg of my walk on the beach and the continuing saga of becoming a caregiver for my elderly parents. We're expecting a possible park-our-cars-at-the-top-of-the-driveway winter storm in the next 24 hours, so I WILL DO SOME WRITING!  Promise. 

 

Tchotchke Challenge: Letter C

May I offer my never-intended-for-use collection of CANDLES as my entry for this week's Tchotchke Challenge?

For a long time, I've had a bit of a fixation for ornamental candles.

I think this, shall we say, appreciation, began when our family lived in Germany for a short time when I was a child of about 7-8 years.

During that time, my parents purchased a pair of brightly-painted, wooden candlesticks, along with a set of intricately-carved red candles, featuring cherub and floral designs.  Believe it or not, those candles and candlesticks are still around, though a little worse for wear after more than 45 years.

I did not return to Germany until I was in my 20's, when I visited Bavaria for a few weeks with a friend.  While in Munich, I found a shop that sold an enormous variety of decorative, ornamental candles.  I spent a happy couple of hours in the store, selecting a few small keepsakes for friends, family and myself.

My purchases from that trip are long gone, I'm sad to say.

Another trip to Germany occurred back in 2001, with my husband, who traveled there on business.  While we spent most of our time in Heidelberg and its surroundings, we traveled to Bavaria on an overnight excursion and spent a few days in Munich.

While I was there, I searched in vain for the candle shop I remembered from my trip 20 years before.  I traveled up and down the little streets off the Marienplatz, and asked many of the shopkeepers, but none could remember or tell of such a shop.

I suppose they closed their doors for good at some point.

Finally, one of the vendors told me of a shop selling candles, located behind a church a couple of blocks away.  It was a relatively small shop, compared to the one I remembered from years before, and the majority of their inventory was of a religious nature, as they were connected to the church.

However, I did find a few lovely examples of beautiful wax artwork.

 

 

All of the above candles were purchased during our visit to Bavaria in 2001.  The blue-and-white design in the upper picture represents the Bavarian flag.

The most ornate is the little Oom-pah band depicted in the center of the second photo.

 

These candles pictured above were purchased in the U.S.  The center owl comes from a local second-hand store, and it looks like it dates back to, maybe, the 1970's, when owls were a popular motif.  I don't remember where I got the pine cones--they're fairly common finds around the winter holidays.  They are deeply carved and feel really interesting to the touch.

 

Finally, here is a beautiful candle with a leaf pattern, also purchased here in the U.S.  It's actually one of my favorites, with five or six different types of leaves represented and a wonderful fragrance like pine or bayberry.  It makes my china closet, where the candles are stored, smell really good!

I continue to collect candles like these, but I'm really picky about the ones I purchase.  I don't know if you've checked lately, but wax is very expensive, relatively speaking.  In fact, the cost for one adult admission to Madame Tussaud's Wax Musuem in NYC is $29!  That's up from $25, when I went there in 2001.

Check out Pamela-J and Nyack Backyard for their entries, and feel free to join in.  The more, the merrier! 

Tchotchke Challenge: Letter B

For my Letter B entry in the Tchotchke Challenge (and tchotchke is used here in the broadest sense of the word), I present my small collection of dead BUGS.

Why do I collect these things?  I don't know.  Possibly some type of caveman instinct.  Maybe I will need them for food at some point.

If I were moving, would I take them with me?  No.

After they are archived here at God Bless Y'all, will I throw them away?  Yes.

But first, I'll give them to the cats to bat around for a while.

 

(dragonfly, honey bee, cicada)

These corpses have been dwelling in a small china cabinet, which, incidentally, contains no china, for many years.  They share space on a shelf with a collection of bird feathers, shells, rocks and dead turtle shells.

After so many years, they have lost the luster of newly-dead bugs.

 

(I fooled around with the photo tools for this shot to enhance the cicada's color.)

Goodbye, dead bugs.  Thank you for taking up space in my home all these years.  You will not be forgotten.

Check out the Letter B entry from the amazing, amusing Pamela-J!

 

 

Revised Tchotchke Challenge Schedule

The Tchotchke Challenge smack-down will take place twice each month, on the 1st and 15th.

I'm gonna leave my Letter A entry up ('cause I fell asleep before I remembered to change the publish date), and then post the Letter B entry on schedule February 1.

 

 

Tchotchke Challenge: Letter A

Hello, everybody.  Welcome to Theunexaminedtchotchkeisnotworthkeeping Hotel and Convention Center in beautiful Calvert County, Maryland.

Well, it was very, very difficult to select just one winner from so many fine contestants!  I would like to thank you all for joining us here today to select a finalist for the Tchotchke Challenge, and thanks to all the contestants for being super-good sports.  We had a lot of fun!  So, without further delay, then, I'll announce the finalist choice to represent God Bless Y'all Real Good in the Tchotchke Challenge.

The winner of the finalist competition for the "Tchotchke Challenge:  Letter A" category is . . .

Angel with Broken Wing!

Come on up here, Angel.  Tell us a little bit about yourself.

 

Well, I'm originally from China, and I came to live at God Bless Y'all through the exchange-of-money-for-ceramic-angels program at the Smithsonian Museum on-line store a little over a year ago!  I'm 10 inches tall, and I enjoy designing celestial robes, flying and playing the lute.

My final destination was an address in Harrisburg, PA, but while on my way to my layover stop in Southern Maryland, I suffered a severe accident which prevented me from completing my journey.

Can you tell us what happened?

My right . . . no, left . . . no, right  . . . wing was broken in three places.

And, what kind of recovery did you have?

Well, for about a year my wing lay in pieces at the hem of my gown, until this year, when God Bless Y'all glued it back together, just in time for the Christmas holidays.

That seems like a pretty long ordeal.

Yes, it was very upsetting to have experienced such a long delay in treatment.  I had a lot of time to practice my ultra-serene facial expression, though.

Well, congratulations on your win today, Angel!  And, good luck to you in the Tchotchke Challenge finals.

Thank you.  Thank you very much!